So I have furniture now, courtesy of my father. Typical of Swish (and my hippie beach bum type bent to life) everything is hand me down and thus eco. It suits me just fine, this eco-ness. I love that everything in my place is reused. I have always loved buying things second hand. I started to shop almost exclusively at Goodwill and thrift shops about the time I was allowed to drive the family truck around backwoods Chicago, much to my father's distain, but I loved it. I loved feeling like I was being resourceful, being unique, and I always hated the mall on some unexplainably deep level. The rows and rows of Abercrombie polos in bags with models on them that I once looked at thinking they were so old and cool, but now look to me like I might actually have been their baby sitter or worse, possible mother. On a lot of levels I love my furniture even though I actually had no choice as I somehow just seem to never have money. I am starting to feel like this may be a choice though. Are there people out there that might not be super motivated by money and am I one of them? And if so, how strange are we?
I am starting to think quite strange. My strangeness here in Miami is palpable in a way it never was in the land of the beach bums and misfit beach toys of Playa. I went to a spin class at the Four Seasons gym where I teach yoga these days and as I was working on putting my feet over my head after class, a Chelsita usual, a yoga student of mine and her friend came over. It took the friend about 5 seconds to say to me "So you are not from here." I honestly cannot pinpoint what it is that makes it so obvious that I am not from Miami, or likely from anywhere in particular that one can easily pinpoint. This statement has been following me everywhere, it is the very first thing people ask me. And, oddly, I have an accent, from where no one including myself seems to know. My only hope is that it is charming.
I am sort of stuck somewhere between feeling proud of myself for making such unique and different life choices and feeling like a child very behind on their homework. I flow from proud to embarrassed every 5 min of so abstinently taking the path less travelled or more aptly in my life choices, the path less machete'd. When I have a look around here, pretty much everyone I meet that is in my age category is miles and miles ahead of me in so many ways. The new tinder friend I mentioned from my last blog recently invited me over to his place, the gorgeous new place he just bought courtesy of his big bank job complete with his specially frozen spherical ice cubes. Well, actually his guests apparently get a choice of spheres or large scale cubes......I guess the difference I feel between an individual like him and myself is actually measurable. I think that I am starting to be at an age where we can physically see the manifestation of one's life choices. You can see the physical evidence of what makes them tick and what they used their 20's to do/build. I have my handstands and Swish leggings and others have fancy ice and savings accounts. I suppose the mature way of looking at this is to see that perhaps just because my choices are a little less backed up and valued by society, does not mean that my difference is a bad one. But feeling so different has started to challenge an inner belief of mine and a tattoo I have long had on my wrist "It is not or, it is and." Meaning cannot my path less paved coincide with a savings account? I remember these feelings before when living in Chicago for a year in 2010, and hence my tattoo. Within society I have always felt the pressure to be and act certain ways, we all do. I think this is why I lived like a beach bum expat for so long. But like the tattoo on my wrist, the answer is always inside. While I am flailing around feeling so different and out of it here in Miami with every second person stopping to ask me where I am from, why cannot it not be both? Why cannot I not feel different and a part of it all at once? I think it is possible to love what makes us separate but still a part of the togetherness. And that feeling different does not mean that I have to run this time around. I have moments, quite a few these days during this transition, most especially when faced with new successful friends in the process of buying supped up jeeps from Heat Team Members, where I sooo wish I had not run away for so long. That I had stayed and choosen an easier path, planned, and would now be in a position to pay for whatever I need. But I am going to bank on my uniqueness, on my adventure, and on my very own vernacular. I choose to see my hippie adventures in this way because I have no choice. The years I spent mediating on my paddle board in the middle of the sea or hours spent at the bottom of the ocean in my Swish Suit (about 3,000 when I did the math) must be for something.
So, I have decided to break the pattern of self doubt. I have been TED watching and a particular one has stuck my fancy here on my used but fancy couch. Or maybe it was a talk about his TED talk, I am not sure and lost in all the links I have followed, but a Kamal Ravikant has been talking about mental looping that our brains do. We think that we think, but actually our thoughts are just loops of past experiences our brains just play over and over again. What this means for me then is that in my experience perhaps my mental loop just tells me over and over that difference is bad. But it is just a loop, and I am going to stop it. Maybe you can to and we can all embrace that which makes us unique and a part of it all :).